The Truth Behind Steamed Hams
Superintendent Chalmers was a punk sore at the world or least he had been ever since that unforgettable luncheon he had with his good friend and possible lover Principal Seymour Skinner. Ever since that luncheon, Chalmers had been obsessed with steamed hams, but not because he had an addiction to them or anything like that. No Chalmers was more concerned over the fact that Skinner called them steamed hams despite the fact they were obviously grilled. One day, Chalmers had gone to Krusty Burger, and ordered a Krusty burger. He took it his house, and looked the hamburger over with a microscope. It looked just like the steamed hams that Skinner had served him just a few nights prior, and just like those hamburgers this Krusty Burger was obviously grilled. Chalmers began doing some research by asking people around Springfield if they had ever heard of steamed hams before all the while keeping an constant eye on Skinner and his crazy explanations. Chalmers was eventually approached by Virgil 'The Turk' Sollozzo who claimed to be a hamburger importer from Sicily, Sollozzo and Chalmers had themselves a drink at Moe's Tavern where they discussed the steamed hams. "What you must understand my friend is that steamed hams as your friend claims are an Albany expression." Sollozzo explained before continuing with, "which means we must there to discover the truth." What would Chalmers do to Skinner when he found out the truth? He didn't know in all honesty. Perhaps he would fire Skinner, but that might be going too far especially since all Skinner did was serve him hamburgers from Krusty Burger. He didn't try and kill Chalmers by feeding him salty rats you find under a bus in Shadow Reader's home turf. The following day, Chalmers and Sollozzo took the bus from Springfield to New York City, and arrived at the bus station catching a cab to Albany. Also, during the cab ride the driver let out a massive fart which stunk so bad that Chalmers had to stick his head out of the window to escape it. It smelt like a guy who ate a smelly dog named Chilly Charlie, and then spat it out before taking a steamy dump on it. Sollozzo then patted the driver on the back before saying, "nice work I'll remember that." He did this because Sollozzo had a fetish for farting. A fetish he had since 1933 at the peace summit with Don Smelly Hound. When they finally reached Albany, Sollozzo payed the driver with a small loan of a million dollars. They reached a small corner store named Hamburgers N Chips. They asked the chef if he had any steamed hams to which he replied with a massive "yes!" He then did a funky dance as Chalmers and Sollozzo got themselves a table. The chef then brought their burgers to them, and sat there curiously childlike as the two men ate their hamburgers. "These hamburgers are obviously grilled." Chalmers said as he had nearly finished his burger. "No no I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers." A voice called out in the distance as Principal Seymour Skinner came into the restaurant. "SKINNER!" Chalmers yelled at the top of his lungs. "Superintendent Chalmers I think it's time for a nappy nap." Skinner said as Chalmers and Sollozzo passed out onto the floor as their burgers had been drugged. "Mm steamed hams." Skinner said evilly as he and the chef dragged the pair into the basement of the restaurant. They awoke several hours later in a daze. All Chalmers could make out was a small shadow figure putting some cans of Pepsi onto a baking tray. "Seymour is that you? What are we doing here? I'm scared! Chalmers cried while shaking like a munchkin on crack. "You shouldn't have come here Superintendent." Skinner said ominously before continuing with, "I told you steamed hams were an Albany expression, and I told you they were Pattoned Skinner Burgers an old family recipe. But you didn't listen to me." Skinner said in a harsh but wet voice. "Oh another thing Superintendent." Skinner began before continuing again with, "you really need to think who your friends are," Sollozzo then appeared behind Skinner with a smug grin on his face. "Sollozzo!" Chalmers yelled at the top of his lungs. Sollozzo explained to Chalmers that he was actually a major drug dealer from Turkey who had become an informant for Skinner. He had told Skinner about Chalmer's plans to find out about the steamed hams as well as his plans to fire him when he discovered the truth about them. "So what is the truth then? The truth about steamed hams." Chalmers asked to which Skinner replied with, "here he comes now." Suddenly, a big fat sweaty man came running in, and yelled, "hey let's start the game." "Huh?" Chalmers said bewildered as Skinner said, "you see steamed hams are actually made from Sabe's poop." Chalmers didn't respond. Skinner then explained that Sabe was an addict to hamburgers, and had eaten so many of them that he now pooped out pure hamburger patties. This gives them the pure steamy taste. Sabe then demonstrated this by taking a massive dump on Chalmers. and it came out as pure hamburgers freshly cooked from his ass. "What the.... I just..... no.." Chalmers couldn't even form a proper sentence as Skinner left him to be killed by Sollozzo. The chef and Sabe meanwhile accompanied Skinner back upstairs. "You backstabbing son of a bitch!" Chalmers yelled as he tried desperately to break free from his chains. "What you've got to understand is that what happened between me and Don Corleone was strictly a business matter. I have great respect for the Don, and I would love to be in his service one day." Sollozzo explained as he became quite insane from an addiction to chewits. Suddenly, Sabe then came falling down the stairs on top of Sollozzo crushing him to death in the process. "Well that was a bit quick." Peppa Pig said as she came in and then left through the cat flap. Cat flaps make yer teeth go grey! Sabe then realised Chalmers from his chains, and when Chalmers asked why he did this Sabe revealed that he had a family back home in Springfield who he missed terribly. He had been forced to make the steamed hams after being kidnapped by Skinner and the chef whose real name was Harold Joseph. Chalmers agreed to help Sabe kill Skinner and Joseph as they made their way upstairs. Skinner had however anticipated Chalmers' escape by having a large group of mobsters waiting to ambush him and Sabe. They survived the attack however killing every last hit man who stood in their way. They made their way onto the streets where they saw Skinner and Joseph driving off in the Steamed Hams Mobile. Joseph picked up Chalmers giving him a piggy back ride, as the two men followed after Skinner and Joseph. The Steamed Hams Mobile ended up crashing outside an old abandoned warehouse somewhere on Stanton Island. Chalmers and Sabe followed Skinner and Joseph inside the warehouse where another large group of hitmen was waiting for them. They survived the attack again, and confronted Skinner and Joseph at the top of the warehouse. "What are you thinking Chalmers? You think they're just gonna let you walk after everything you did?" Skinner asked rhetorically. "Well I'm hoping so." Chalmers said bluntly. Skinner then continued with, "you think I give a shit about the feds or those tired old fucks on the school board? They're using you Chalmers just like Sollozzo used you, just like I used you, and just like that rat fuck Henry used you." Skinner explained before continuing again with, "and now you dumb fuck you're gonna pay for it!" Skinner yelled as he pulled out a tommy gun shooting it at the floor. "Shit I never could fire one of these things." Skinner said while trying to reload his tommy gun. So Chalmers and Skinner encaged in a violent shootout while Sabe took care of Joseph by eating him in one go. Eventually, Chalmers managed to get six shots into Skinner causing him to fall to the floor very near death. "You know something Seymour? For the last ten years all I've done is kill. I killed for my country, I killed for my family, I killed anyone that got in my way. But this one... this one's for me." Chalmers finished as he shot the fatal bullet into Skinner's head killing him instantly. "Right so where now?" Sabe asked as he and Chalmers made their way out of the warehouse. "Well after this I'm going to take a rest." Chalmers explained. When they got outside two cars were already parked outside, and a large group of fedearl agents were there to see them. You see Chalmers had been sent to gather information on the steamed hams after making a deal with the FBI who would in stop his corruption from leaking to the press. "Is it done?" One of the feds named Leo asked in a gruff voice which sounded like he had smoked 5000 packs of cigarettes. Chalmers nodded to which Leo repiled with, "excellent! Looks like a celebration is in order. Let's go to Krusty Burger." "Sounds good to me." Leo said as Sabe and Chalmers went to get into the car which Leo was not standing next to, "Come with me Chalmers. There's more we need to talk about." Leo said albeit a little sadly as Chalmers got into the car with him. "Okay we'll see you other there." Sabe said as he got into the other car whose driver looked like he was high on toast. As they made their way down the street, Chalmers asked, "so what's the big secret?" Leo didn't respond. Chalmers looked up through the windshield, and saw that the car taking Sabe took an unexpected turn, and drove off in the completely wrong direction. "Hey hey what the hell's going on where they taking Sabe?" Chalmers asked furiously. Leo then said in a sad voice, "sorry kid Sabe wasn't part of our deal." All Chalmers could do now was sit there helplessly as his new best friend gets driven away to whatever fate awaited him at the end of that drive. That's all he could do as the rain began to violently pour down onto the car. Category:Bruno Tattagllia